[Crow]

My natural reaction to events is quite predictable. I have an automatic response for just about everything that happens. Without any deliberate intervention, my life is a constant repetition of the same conflicts which end the same way. If I modify my behavior during a conflict, it does not end the same way. I am trying to modify my behavior to produce the desired effect. Most times, it doesn't work. I find that modifying my behavior in any way at all distances me emotionally, so if it doesn't end well, that isn't as big a deal. Also, if I choose to act angry briefly, before I am angry, I have a lower probability of doing something really stupid. The problem here is that if I act angry, I will definitely become angry. I can keep up the act for a few minutes without getting lost in the role, but no more. I initially tried to limit myself to socially acceptable behavior, but that is too big a handicap when no one else has such a limitation. I don't think impeccability is about right and wrong. I think it is about automatic or not.

When I act like an automaton, I am miserable. When I play these games with my behavior, I'm not miserable. That is my bottom line.

I don't like the idea of accepting what is. That leads to complacency, which leads to wasting your life.