[Merged]

I miss relationship, my female companion. Even though it was a lie, dems was sum good noodles. 

I am bonded in affections, sharing time and place with a female companion. There is history and there are tithes. There are graces and virtues, blame and misgivings... reflection and projections. Each time there is talk of the future I cannot embark, instead I prefer to remind her of time and place. Who am I fooling? Each time there is expectation, I re-iterate the emptiness it carries with it. When met by manipulative emotional play that drinks from past habits I meditate upon stone. Touched by a moment, I smile and laugh - always careful not to hold it too tightly, not to cling - aware it could break from its tethers at any moment. Am I so fooled that my indulgence has sought refuge in nay-saying continuance and security, in denying closeness in fear of stumbling from the path of freedom? Yet closeness is here, happiness is here, more real for not relying on the future perhaps, for acknowledging in the realm between life and death there is no beginning without end?

I hesitate to think too deeply. When the mind is absent; there is no choice about these things, as it is already chosen. There is no escaping duality but to indulge in it too strongly feels like a trap? These are ramblings, falling on wet sand - they may be washed away as the tide passes. To fall on wet cement may take longer to break away from as time plays out its melodies in sequence... bar upon bar and skin upon skin.

When, as now, I see myself looking for confirmation in a world of mystery; the needle is the haystack (and disappears). A realisation tells me that truth cannot be taken it can only be served; how then can I serve without need of confirmation of who it is that I am serving, if not myself? Clean the public toilets a teacher told me. Ramble on you crazy diamond...